another anniversary

It's the 18th time we've gone to breakfast together as a family on this day. There are so many memories associated with today, as well as the weeks leading up to this day and particularly the week after. Some years it comes and goes without so much emotion, so it's hard to understand why today would be different. Emotions are close to the surface and in a way it's good to know that I am still feeling the pain of my lost child. I don't ever want to be "over" it--I want and need to be able to function, and I do, but there's also a comfort in feeling some grief and pain after all these years.
I wonder so many different things--would she be married and have children by now? (I think yes, probably 2 children) Would she live near or far? (probably far) What would she look like? (long blond hair) I can only imagine. There is just such a hole there.
Of course her absence has affected every member of our family. What would we all be like if she were here? Who knows what would be different. Who knows what different paths each of us might be on if she had been here in our lives all these years. I wonder mostly what would have been different with those closest to her in age. What have they suffered as a direct result of her absence? I wonder so often what would have been different for each of our daughters.
So another year come and gone. How did we ever live through that week? Even now, I can't believe it was me--it must have been someone else who lived through all that sorrow.
So that's the bitter--but there's still the sweet. There's all the wonderful memories of her running into my arms, her tears when she apologized for something silly, her walking around with olives on each of her fingers, her cross retort: "Who do you think I am? The servant?", her giggle, the silliness, the joking, trying to drop her rolled-up dollar into the toilet in the last days of her life. Even now I smile about all of it. So many happy memories of such a sweet child.
I wonder why I don't dream about her more. That's always been a wonder to me. It seems like she would be constantly in my dreams, but there's only been a handful. Sometimes I'll wake up and go for hours before I remember that I dreamed about her. There's been a couple that have been vivid, but mostly just a few here and there that leave me with a happy, peaceful, you-are loved feeling. I know she thinks about all of us--we are her only earthly family, and we will always hold the number 1 place in her life as her parents and siblings.
So life goes on.

Loving the quiet

There's something about this time of day--late at night, up all alone, waiting for my teenager to get home. I was so happy when I heard again about how important it is to wait up for your kids to get home--something I did only occasionally with the first batch and something I never remembering happening for me when I was growing up. I'm so glad I get another chance! I love the quiet, love having control of the clicker--even though I'm not listening to what's on. I love the chance to relax, without having the pressure of getting things done--it's my time to be quiet and think about my blessings, wind down from the day, wonder how the date is going, wondering when he'll get home, waiting to see if he'll "check in" at 11 like we asked, wondering if my honey is sleeping well without me (he usually doesn't), hoping Jake is sleeping well--or maybe he's still reading? and listening to the various and possibly unwelcome strange noises coming from my dog.
Life can be so great and this week is one of those. I'm so grateful for my husband who is so good to me--doing whatever he can to take care of me and make life easier and more pleasant for me. I'm grateful for daughters who want to keep in touch and sons who have no problem saying to their friends "You don't love your mother? What's WRONG with you?" after hugging me in front of them.
But of course the best part of all are the times I'm with my kids and husband, talking on the phone, driving with them around town, eating dinner with them for a few minutes, listening to a nap time story being read to my granddaughter 2300 miles away, having my daughter begging me to get my IPod hooked up so we can play a pirate game together or just joking around. The quiet is wonderful but the noise is even better.