another anniversary

It's the 18th time we've gone to breakfast together as a family on this day. There are so many memories associated with today, as well as the weeks leading up to this day and particularly the week after. Some years it comes and goes without so much emotion, so it's hard to understand why today would be different. Emotions are close to the surface and in a way it's good to know that I am still feeling the pain of my lost child. I don't ever want to be "over" it--I want and need to be able to function, and I do, but there's also a comfort in feeling some grief and pain after all these years.
I wonder so many different things--would she be married and have children by now? (I think yes, probably 2 children) Would she live near or far? (probably far) What would she look like? (long blond hair) I can only imagine. There is just such a hole there.
Of course her absence has affected every member of our family. What would we all be like if she were here? Who knows what would be different. Who knows what different paths each of us might be on if she had been here in our lives all these years. I wonder mostly what would have been different with those closest to her in age. What have they suffered as a direct result of her absence? I wonder so often what would have been different for each of our daughters.
So another year come and gone. How did we ever live through that week? Even now, I can't believe it was me--it must have been someone else who lived through all that sorrow.
So that's the bitter--but there's still the sweet. There's all the wonderful memories of her running into my arms, her tears when she apologized for something silly, her walking around with olives on each of her fingers, her cross retort: "Who do you think I am? The servant?", her giggle, the silliness, the joking, trying to drop her rolled-up dollar into the toilet in the last days of her life. Even now I smile about all of it. So many happy memories of such a sweet child.
I wonder why I don't dream about her more. That's always been a wonder to me. It seems like she would be constantly in my dreams, but there's only been a handful. Sometimes I'll wake up and go for hours before I remember that I dreamed about her. There's been a couple that have been vivid, but mostly just a few here and there that leave me with a happy, peaceful, you-are loved feeling. I know she thinks about all of us--we are her only earthly family, and we will always hold the number 1 place in her life as her parents and siblings.
So life goes on.